The last post! (2008)

Firstly, HAPPY NEW YEAR to all my bloggie friends! (and Keith).

It's been a bit nippy arond here by our standards and last night we had freezing fog, so my 'sister' popped into our garden and took these photos.

Vibernum on the right.

A freezing back garden.

An icy outlook!

The birds have been going through food like there's no tomorrow. Dad has been filling the bird tables with seed mix 5 or 6 times during daylight hours! They are worth it for the enjoyment we get from them.

This is birdtable number 3. About 10 feet from where I sit each morning in the conservatory. It's a pity I cant get any photos. I tried with a tripod, but, sadly couldn't reach the camera to focus, etc.

See you next year!!

Joke Tuesday.

ONE FOR THE GIRLS!

A woman in her fourties is at home happily jumping up and down on her bed, naked and squealing with delight.

Her husband watches for a while and asks,"Do you have any idea how ridiculous you look? What's the matter with you?"

She continues bouncing around and says,"I don't care what you think. I've just had a mammogram and the doctor says I've got the breasts of an 18 year old."

Her husband replies,"What about your 42 year old arse?"

"He didn't mention you!"

My Christmas Day

John's Christmas Day dinner seems to have gone down well. I thought you might like to see a picture of my Christmas lunch; I do love mussels with rice and cherries. Makes a change from the usual delicious turkey, roast spuds, brussels etc., (Not to mention that wonderful plum pudding with lashings of brandy sauce over it) don't you think?


I was the only one there, so I'm not in the picture because I had to take the photo!

Christmas Day.

We had a thoroughly good time and a lovely meal at my 'Sister's'. The following photos don't show much festive activity because at 46, I was the third youngest!

Me and Lindsey(Sis).

Dad and Lindsey.

Pudding is served.

More vino? Why not!

More pics later!

Very true

If you love something, set it free. If it comes back, it was and always will be yours. If it never returns, it was never yours to begin with.

If, however, it just sits in your living room, messes up your stuff, eats your food, uses your telephone, takes your money, and never appears to have noticed that you actually set it free in the first place, you either married it or gave birth to it!

Have a nice Christmas.

Christmas.

As you are probably aware this is not my favourite time of the year for two reasons. 1, it's winter. 2, it's Christmas. Now this may sound somewhat "bah,humbug", which to an extent I suppose it is, but the reality is, that it's for kids and christians. I don't have any kids (luckily), and I'm an atheist,ergo, I don't have a lot of interest in it. For sure I used to go out on the piss most nights over christmas in my youth, but that was another excuse for over-indulgence!

This christmas day we shall once again go to my 'sister's' house for lunch. It is an enjoyable afternoon and Dad enjoys not having to cook. We supply the wine, they do the rest! A quiz usually follows, then Dad and I return home and sleep off the food and drink! Once New Year is over with normality will be restored!

But, as is my nature, I hope you have the following.

A VERY MERRY CHRISTMAS AND A HAPPY NEW YEAR!

Joke Tuesday.

24 HOURS TO LIVE!

Barry returned from a doctor's visit one day and told his wife, Carolyn, that the doctor said he only had 24 hours to live.

Wiping away her tears, he asked her to make love with him. Of course she agreed and they made passionate love.

Six hours later, Barry went to her again, and said,'Honey, now I only have 18 hours left. Maybe we could make love again?'

Carolyn agreed and again they made love. Later, Barry was getting into be when he realised he had only eight hours left.

He touched Carolyn's shoulder and said,'Honey?Please, just one more time before I die.'

She agreed, then afterwards rolled over and fell asleep. Barry, however heard the clock ticking in his head, and he tossed and turned until he was down to only four hours!

He tapped his wife on the shoulder to wake her up, 'Honey, I've only four hours left! Could we.......?

His wife sat up abruptly, turned to him and said,'Listen Barry, I'm not being funny.....

















but I have to get up in the morning, and YOU don't!'

Quiz time!

Use the clues below to find the countries.

1. Popular bird for Christmas.....
2. In need of a good meal.....
3. Where the melody is ......
4. Where the coffee comes from......
5. Like the weather in winter.....
6. Hurry the lady......
7. Not out, darling....
8. I did not walk.....
9. Freezing place....
10. A shop where bulls should go....
11. Makes a nasty mark on your clothes....
12. Where male neckwear originates....
13. Not old, twenty one shillings...
14. You take this up when you start your working life....
15. Don't cry for me...

A bit of fun!

Right, let's get one thing straight. I am officially classed as a cripple. You can classify me as paraplegic, tetraplegic or a spastic! They are all correct terms, and I don't mind any of them!

So, on that note, I, and the lads in the pub came up with the alternative Paralympic games.

For example, Wheelchair high board diving. Wheelchair 110 metre hurdles.

Come on, you will not offend me. I could do with a laugh, it's nearly Christmas!!

Pub news!

A strange lunchtime today!

Quite early on the pub was inundated with middle 50's/early 60's gentlemen, about 15'ish. Never seen them before, but they drank well and ate all Di's filled rolls!

Then the usual suspects arrived.

At about 1.45pm a load of blokes, all dressed in tweed rolled in (literally), all bearing silver tankards.They were in fine spirits and I thought they were a shooting club because of the attire. They seemed a good bunch so I asked them what the occasion was.

"We are THE REAR ADMIRALS CLUB." Somewhat confused, I asked why the name. "Why not?" came the reply. "We're out on a pub crawl in a mini-bus and this years dress code is tweed, this will continue for a while yet."

Well, lads, you will be welcome here anytime, you made my lunchtime!

I hope you remember to read this and send me the link to your facebook account! Happy Christmas!

Joke Tuesday!

Now that I have regained possession of my blog from Grumpy, here is todays' joke!

This was sent to me by two lovely newly weds in Australia!

A New Zealand ventriloquist visiting Australia walks into a small town and sees a local sitting on the veranda patting his dog. He figures he'll have a little fun, so he says to the Aussie, 'G'day, mind if I talk to your dog?'

Aussie: 'The dog doesn't talk you stupid Kiwi!'

Kiwi: 'Hello dog, how's it going mate?'

Dog: 'Yeah, doin' all right.'

Aussie, (look of extreme shock)

Kiwi: 'Does he own you?'

Dog: 'Yep.'

Kiwi: 'How does he treat you?'

Dog: 'Yeah, good. He walks me twice a day, feeds me great food and takes me to the lake once a week to play.'

Aussie: (look of utter disbelief).

Kiwi:'Mind if I talk to your horse?'

Aussie:'Uh, but he doesn't talk either....I think.'

Kiwi: 'Hey horse, how's it going?'

Horse: 'Cool.'

Aussie:(absolutely dumbfounded)

Kiwi: Is this your owner?

Horse: 'Yep.'

Kiwi: How are you treated

Horse:'Pretty good thanks. He rides me regularly, brushes me down and keeps me in the shed to protect me from the elements.'

Aussie:(look of amazement).

Kiwi: 'Mind if I talk to your sheep?

'He's a f*cking liar!!!'

Thanks to Wendy and Stuey.

Wot the ****?

I have just read a comment on someones blog, who shall be nameless, and it was: "... i have too children a boy and girl and i have just finish rapping there Xmas pressys ..."

God help us! I no that teh Eglish language is changing, but i didnt reelize it was changing that fast!

I hope that person doesn't find my blogpage and comment. It would be so embaraz... embarasin... enbarra....... Well, I wouldn't like it. Know wot i mean? Innit?

Keiths Joke

An elderly man in North Carolina had owned a large farm for several years. He had a large pond in the back, fixed up really nice, along with some picnic tables, horseshoe courts, and some apple and peach trees.

The pond was properly shaped and fixed up for swimming when it was built.

One evening the old farmer decided to go down to the pond, as he hadn't been there for a while, and look it over. He grabbed a five gallon bucket to bring back some fruit.

As he neared the pond, he heard voices shouting and laughing with glee. When he came closer, he realized it was a bunch of young women skinny-dipping in his pond. He made the women aware of his presence and they all went to the deep end to shield themselves.

One of the women shouted to him, "We're not coming out until you leave!"

The old man frowned and replied, "I didn't come down here to watch you ladies swim naked or make you get out of the pond naked." Holding the bucket up he said, "I'm here to feed the alligator."

Moral of the story: Old men may move slow but can still think fast.

Joke Tuesday, Double bill !

Mary Clancy goes up to Father O'Grady after his Sunday morning service, and she's in tears.

He says,"So what's bothering you, Mary my dear?"

She says,"Oh,Father. I've got terrible news. My husband passed away last night."

The priest says, "Oh, Mary, that's terrible. Tell me Mary, did he have any last requests?"

She replies,"That he did, Father."

The priest says, "What did he ask, Mary?"

She replies,"He said,
















please Mary, put the damn gun down..."

---

A drunk staggers into a Catholic Church, enters a confessional booth, sits down, but says nothing.

The Priest coughs a few times to get his attention but the drunk continues to sit there.

Finally the Priest pounds three times on the wall.

The drunk mumbles,"Ain't no use doing that, there's no paper here either!"

Gets coat and scarpers!

Merry Crimbo from Grumpy and the Cripple

Pub news.

After every lunchtime I settle up the bar bill.Being the generous type that I am, I bought Di a glass of wine. This is a regular thing, as it stops her beating me, a bit!

One of the lads enquired as to why.

"Oh, he gives me one every week, don't you lovely!" said Di.

I didn't know what to say!

I hope Jez is understanding!

Joke Tuesday.

Irish again I'm afraid!

Brenda O'Malley is at home making dinner, as usual, when Tim Finnegan arrives at her door.

"Brenda, may I come in?" he asks. "I've something to tell ya."

"Of course you can, but where's my husband?"

"That's what I'm here to be telling ya, Brenda. There was an accident at the Guinness brewery."

"Oh, God no!" cries Brenda. "Please don't tell me." "I must, Brenda. Your husband Shamus is dead. I'm so sorry."

Finally she looked up at Tim. "How did it happen?"

"It was terrible. He fell into a vat of Guinness and drowned."

"Was it a quick death?" she asked.















"Not really, he got out three times for a piss!"

I was going to make this a spectacular blog post, but as I still cant use photoshop 6, (i've been trying for 4 f*cking hours!), so I thought b*llocks to it!

Anyway, Sunday nights are games night in the pub, bingo from 6pm until 8pm. Then the poker starts. Set limits so nothing gets out of hand.

During the bingo, just after the first game Di was collecting the old tickets in and the money for the next game. The fire was roaring away so Di decided to throw the old tickets on it.

She had a ten pound note in one hand...................

Guess what went on the fire!?

Thanks Keith!

Pub news.

By now you would have thought that Di,(our ever so lovely landlady) would have realised not to admit her 'faux pas' within my earshot. Although Jez would tell me anyway!

You see, this has happened before,and I'm sure some of you may have experienced the same thing.

Di was spotted by one of the pubs locals in the supermarket walking off with someone elses trolley!

A couple of days ago Di was backing through a doorway going out of the bar. As she pushed the door open with her bum the door handle went through her belt! Trapped! Just as panic stations were building she squirmed free!

Are there no bounds to her talents misdemeanours?

Or have YOU done any better?

General stuff.

I have been tagged by RANTZ asking me to name six little known things about myself.

Here goes!

1. I used to be 6'-21/2'', I'm now 6'-3''!
2. My favourite meal is roast lamb with mint sauce!
3. My lucky number is 13, because it's unlucky. (It doesn't work).
4. I have been engaged once. Luckily it didn't work out!
5. I hate Christmas!
6. I'm not really a miserable git! LMAO!!

I wont tag anyone else, but if you want to join in......

Joke Tuesday!

An Irishman who had had a little too much to drink is driving home from the city one night and, of course his car is weaving all over the place.

A cop pulls him over. "So," says the cop to the driver,"Where have you been?"

"Why, I've been to the pub of course," slurs the man.

"Well,"says the cop,"It looks like you've had quite a few this evening."

"I did alright," the drunk says with a smile.

"Did you know that a couple of intersections back your wife fell out of the car?"

Oh, thank heavens," sighs the drunk.















"I thought I'd gone deaf!!"

Pub news.

It's bloody cold today, 4c, or 39f, if you like. There is a bitterly cold North-Easterly blowing. I roll up at the pub at the usual time, (i.e opening). There is Di, our ever so lovely landlady behind the bar. As the lunchtime went on it seemed to get progressively colder in the pub. "Di, light the fire", came the calls. She called Jez down, as lighting a cigarette is the limit of Di's Girl Guiding badges!

"We haven't many logs left, that's why i said turn the heating up", he said."Why have you turned the heating off?"

"There are two things and i didn't know which one to press!" was the reply.

We soon had a nice fire going!

Pub news.

This has been a strange Saturday lunchtime in the pub, particularly the first hour. It was cold here today, 4c tops! When i arrived at the pub i settled myself down and bade farewell to my father and got served by Di(eventually). I put the telly on to watch the football news. Trigger wanders in, as Trigger does. "Hello sexy", he says to Di. "Hello you twat", came the swift reply. "How do Trigger", I said. "It's cold in here",he says. "How do Trigger", I say again, forgeting he is deaf! "YOU OK TRIGGER?" I said in a raised voice. "Eh?", he said. By this time i had given up.

The fire wasn't lit, Jez had laid it but Di doesn't light fires (?). Trigger to the rescue! "I'll sort this out!", said Trigger.

Half an hour later we have a fire.

As a boy scout he'd be a disaster!

Pub news.

Di, our ever so lovely Landlady went to a neighbouring pub with the skittles team on Monday night to play a league match.

This is a weekly night out and Di has been playing turning up for 18+ months now. Anyway, last Monday night, whilst in the Unicorn in Lutterworth, in between throws she went out for a smoke.

On re-entering the pub she stood watching the game,waiting for her throw.

One slight problem arose however. She was in the wrong room watching the wrong game!! After she realised (who are you lot never sprang to mind), there was the task of finding the right room/team. The first door she tried was the pub's kitchen, the second was the broom cupboard!

After a while she found the right room. They lost the match though!

Joke Tuesday .

MEN'S PEARLS OF WISDOM

1. When I was born, I was given a choice- A big dick or a good memory. I forgot which I chose.
2. Your birth certificate is an apology from the condom factory.
3. A wife is a sex object. You ask, she objects.
4. Impotence: Nature's way of saying , "No hard feelings".
5. There are only two four letter words that are offensive to men - 'don't' and 'stop', unless used together.
6. Panties: Not the best thing on earth, but next to the best thing on earth.
7. There are three stages of sex in a man's life: Tri-Weekly, Try-Weekly, and Try Weakly.
8. Virginity can be cured.
9. Virginity is not dignity, it's lack of opportunity.
10. Having sex is like playing bridge. If you don't have a good partner, you'd better have a good hand.
11. I tried phone sex once, but the holes in the dialler were too small.
12. Marriage is the only war where you get to sleep with the enemy.
13. Q: What's an Australian kiss? A French kiss, but down under.
14. Q: What are the biggest tragedies in a mans life? A: Life sucks,job sucks, wife doesn't.
15. Q: Why do men find it difficult to make eye contact? A: Breasts dont have eyes.
16. Despite the old saying,'Dont take your troubles to bed', many men still sleep with their wives.

There will be some hilarity here tomorrow!!

No John, you've got it wrong. There will be some hilarity TODAY!

When I promised not to publish this picture I was lying! I had my fingers crossed behind my back. . .

General news.

Reg Varney from 'On The Buses' died yesterday aged 92

He was a big part of my teenage years of television. I will always remember his battles with Blakey, the inspector.

Pub News - Di's Revenge!

Di found out that it was her partner, Jez, who slipped the photo of her to John to email to me to create the "Sexy Landlady" magazine.

Under normal circumstances both John and I would have got a good thumping from her, especially after Jez put photocopies of it around the pub! I managed to escape my good hiding by promising to create another pseudo magazine with a faked-up picture of Jez on it. Poor John was not so fortunate, he got a smack round the head,much to everyones delight!

Di then surreptitiously slipped a picture of Jez to me. She wanted it to be a surprise, and to teach him a lesson. Remember, this is a secret until she confronts him with it so don't dont tell anyone on t'internet!

Click the pic for a larger version.

Pub news!

You have probably read about Di,(the landlady's) attempts to get me into an Elves costume when she hosts "Santas'" grotto, and Keith's portrayal of me as an elf. Di found this highly amusing and has baited me ever since.

Now is PAYBACK time! Cheers Keith!!

Click the picture for a larger image.

Joke Tuesday.

Yeah, I remembered!

Apologies to the Irish community!

Into a Belfast pub comes Paddy Murphy,looking like he'd been hit by a train.

His arm is in a sling and his nose is broken,his face is cut and bruised and he's walking with a limp.

"What happened to you?" asks Sean, the bartender. "Jamie O'Conner and me had a fight," says Paddy.

"That little shit, O'Conner," says Sean. "He couldn't do that to you,he must have had something in his hand."

"That he did," says Paddy, "A f*cking shovel is what he had, and a terrible lickin' he gave me with it."

"Well," says Sean, "You should have defended yourself, didn't you have something to hand?"

"That I did," said Paddy.

"Mrs, O'Conner's breast,and a thing of beauty it was but useless in a fight!"

Chistmas Elf

As many of you already know we are having a "Santas Grotto" for the patrons little brats children at the Merrie Monk this year, and John has been granted the honour of being "Santas Little Helper".

We wheeled him along to Ikea today to get fitted out with his costume. He protested and had a tantrum, but we managed to calm him down with his favourite medication, e.g., 4 cans of "Pedigree" beer.

I think he looks rather cute. What do you think?

Joke Wednesday, for one week only!

OK,OK,I forgot! There's been a lot going on in the Greenwood household these last few days and I thought yesterday was Monday!

Right,joke time!

THE ONION AND THE CHRISTMAS TREE.

The family is sitting at the dinner table. The son asks his father,"Dad, how many kinds of boobies are there?" The father, surprised, answers,"Well son, there's three kinds of breasts. In her twenties, a woman's breasts are like melons, round and firm. In her thirties & forties, they are like pears, still nice, but hanging a bit. After fifty, they are like onions." "Onions?" "Yes, you see them and they make you cry."

This infuriated his wife and daughter so the daughter says,"Mom, how many types of 'willies' are there?" The mother,surprised, smiles and answers. "Well dear, a man goes through three phases. In his twenties, his willie is like an Oak tree, mighty and hard. In his thities & forties, it's like a Birch tree, flexible but reliable. After his fifties, it is like a Christmas tree." "A Christmas tree?"















"Yes dear, dead from the root up and the balls are for decoration only!"

Apologies for the COCK-UP!!!

Pub news.

It seems that being in a wheelchair and being, in the main, reliant on others for help,which I don't particularly like, is no protection from a hostile source. THE LANDLADY.

There I was, minding my own business, when there was a clip to my left ear. I turned round to see Di standing next to me with one of those,'It wasn't me' faces on her.

"What was that for?" I asked."You were there", she said.

I tell you,I think hallow'een has had an effect on her.

The broomstick's broken down!

Pub news.

I'm sorry if I haven't been visiting your blogs as regularly as I should. It's this damn PLURK thing. It's more addictive than heroin!

Anyway,Di,(our ever-so lovely,sometimes, landlady) has informed me today, that in December she is having a Santa's grotto, and I am going to be dressed up as one of Santas helpers, with a green pointy hat and make-up!

It seems I have no say in the matter,which is nothing new!

Now, who's going to be Santa? Suggestions please!

Anyone suggesting Santa is banned!

Joke Tuesday, double bill!

I had a moan at the ever so sexy,buxom and intelligent Zoe and she said stop moaning,you never post any jokes I send you! Well,this is the first I can recall.If there were others,they must have been lame!

Anyway,this is Zoe's contribution!

Here was a boy who worked in the produce section of the market. A man came in and asked to buy half a head of lettuce. The boy told him that they only sold whole heads of lettuce, but the man replied that he only required half a head. The boy said he would ask his manager about the matter. The boy walked into the back room and said,"There's some asshole out there who wants to buy only half a head of lettuce." As he was finishing saying this he turned round to find the man standing behind him, so he added,"And this gentleman wants to buy the other half."

The manager ok'd the deal and the man went on his way. Later the manager called in on the boy and said, "You almost got yourself in a lot of trouble earlier, but I'm impressed how you got out of it.

"Where are you from,son?" The boy replied, "Limerick,sir." "Oh,really? Why did you leave Limerick?" Asked the manager. The boy replied,"They're all just whores and rugby players down there."

"My wife is from Limerick!" said the manager.

The boy replied, "Really sir? What team did she play for?"

---

After 20 years of marriage,a couple were lying in bed one evening,when the wife felt her husband begin to fondle her in ways he hadn't in ages. It almost tickled as his fingers started at her neck, and then began moving down the small of her back. He then caressed her shoulders and neck, slowly worked his hand down over her breasts stopping on her lower stomach. He then proceeded up her inner thigh, stopping just at the uppermost part of her leg. He did the same on her right side,then suddenly stopped,rolled over and started to watch T.V.

As she had become quite aroused by all this caressing,she asked in a loving voice,"That was wonderful. Why did you stop?"

He said,
















"I found the remote!"

Thought for the day.

There was an article in The Daily Telegraph the other day about some study by scientists with nothing better to do that claimed, if you were born before colour television became commonplace your dreams will be in black and white!

I was born in 1962,and after consulting my sub-concious the other night,found I dream in both colour and black and white. Try it and let me know!

Joke Tuesday.

Mowing and beer do mix!

One Sunday afternoon, there I was sitting on the patio drinking beer and watching my beloved wife mowing the lawn. Life was good.

The old lady from across the street came over, so outraged that my wife was mowing the lawn, she yelled,"You should be hung!"

I took a slug of beer and wiped the froth from my lips,lifted my Ray Ban sunglasses and stared into the eyes of this interferring old biddy and calmly replied,















"I am. That's why she cuts the grass!"

Pub news.

I apologise for the lack of postings this week, but very little has happened. No Keith,don't know where he's been. Didn't even show up on Sunday for his lunch!

The only news is :1,I haven't been belted. I'm losing my touch! 2: Jez has replaced the seating in the "posh bit. He did it all himself,and has made a cracking job of it! 3: The brewery have put the weekly rent up and seem to be trying to put a hard working couple out of business! It's mind boggling the lack of help these companies give to their tenants.

Joke Tuesday.

A large woman,wearing a sleeveless sun dress, walked into a bar in Dublin. She raised her right arm,revealing a huge,hairy armpit as she pointed to all the people sitting at the bar and asked,"What man here will buy a lady a drink?"

The bar went silent as the patrons tried to ignore her. But down at the end of the bar, an owl-eyed drunk slammed his hand on the bar and bellowed,"Give the ballerina a drink!"

The bartender poured the drink and the woman necked it. She turned to the patrons again,pointing at them all, revealing the same hairy armpit,and asked,"What man here will buy a lady a drink?"

Once again, the same little drunk slapped his money on the bar and said,"Give the ballerina another drink!"

The bartender approaches the little drunk and says,"Tell me, Paddy, it's your business if you want to buy the lady a drink, but why do you keep calling her a ballerina?"

The drunk replied,
















"Any woman who can lift her leg that high has to be a ballerina!"

Pub news.

Whatever I say, I get hit. This seems to have become a fact of my daily routine that it's just a natural occurence. Today was no exception. I even got belted before Trigger. Things do not bode well!

So, if I'm going to get hit anyway, I may as well deserve it! Agreed?

Yesterday, Jez and the hitwoman Di had a meeting with the BASTARD brewery manager. Jez took some photos of the latest promotions they have put on, and the 'A'-boards that Jez has painted and placed outside to advertise the place. Before they left Di had a flick through the photos, which were on top of the mail. They stopped at the post box. Di leaps out and posts the mail.............and the photos!!

Today, after Jez has bought some new seating from a pub auction, Di announces that,due to her fear of spiders,"I wont be around when Jez pulls it out ."

The next beating should be forthcoming soon, but at least i've earned it!!

More of Leire.

Here are a few more snapshots of my village.

We have lived here for 35 years and are just about locals now!

This is our house.

Back lane again.

This is the Main Street.

More to follow.....

General news.

Dad went for a stroll round the village today, as the weather has, for once been glorious. I persuaded him to take the camera and get some photos showing the differing aspects of Leire. There will be more to follow, if you want!

A bit of colour.

This is called Back Lane

The Green.

More to come..........

Joke Tuesday, but probably true!

GORDON BROWN was visiting a primary school and attended one of the classes. They were in the middle of a discussion related to words and their meanings.

The teacher asked Mr. BROWN if he would like to lead the discussion on the word 'tragedy'.

A little boy stood up and said:"If my best friend,who lives on a farm,is playing in a field and a tractor runs him over and kills him,that would be a tragedy."

"No",said GORDON-"that would be an accident."

A little girl raised her hand and said,"If a school bus carrying 50 children drove over a cliff,killing everyone inside,that would be a tragedy."

"I'm afraid not",explained GORDON,"That's what we would call a great loss."

The room went silent. No other children volunteered anything more. GORDON searched the room. "Isn't there anyone who can give me an example of a tragedy?"

Finally, little Johnny raised his hand.

In a quiet voice he said,"If a plane carrying you and Mr.Darling was struck by a 'friendly fire' missile and blown to pieces, that would be a tragedy."

"Fantastic!" exclaimed GORDON. "That's right. And can you tell me why that would be a tragedy?"

"Well," says little Johnny,"It has to be a tragedy,because it certainly wouldn't be a great loss and it probably wouldn't be a f*cking accident either!"

Pub news.

In my never-ending crusade to bring you news from the front line one has to make certain sacrifices. It's rather like being in a war zone, the attacks are constant, and last about three hours until Dad picks me up!

My efforts have been noted by my Scotchish friend Mr. Farty, and my Parisian friend Dumdad and are much appreciated.

However, today was no different, the battle continues. Even Trigger's arrival didn't stop Di, our mad landlady lovely landlady from picking on me, a poor defenceless cripple!

When she said to one of the customers,"Hang on Trev, i'll pull it for you when i've pulled his." What did she expect me to do but snigger? Then she belted me again!

Hoh,hum, life in the war zone. Battle will commence tomorrow. I should get a medal for this!

Pub news.

I arrived at the pub,on time as usual,to be met by Charlie the barmaid. "Good afternoon",she says with a welcoming smile on her face. Jez wanders in,"Hello, John,hello Gordon," he says with the jovial air of the local landlord.

A little while later Di wandered in, walked up to me,"Hello, lovely," I said,(this is the usual form of address),and she hit me!

"What was that for?", I exclaimed. "Sorry, lovely, it's a habit!"

I am astounded, but will continue my blog in the face of all adversity. I owe it to my readers!

Joke Tuesday.

A group of primary school infants,accompanied by two female teachers,went on a field trip to the Cheltenham races to see and learn about thoroughbred horses.

When it was time to take the children to the toilet,it was decided that the girls would go with one teacher and they boys would go with the other.

The teacher assigned to the boys was waiting outside the men's toilet when one of the boys came out and told her that none of them could reach the urinal.

Having no choice,(and leaving one outside to guard the door)she went inside,helped the boys with their pants,and began hoisting them up,one by one, holding their willies to direct the flow away from their clothes.

As she lifted the final one,she couldn't help but notice that he was unusually well endowed. Trying not to show that she was staring,she said,"You must be in year four."















"No,madam,"he replied. "I'm riding Silver Arrow in the 2.15."

Can I just add that Di beat me up again. She read the blog last night!

What did i do wrong?

Pub news.

Di belted me twice within 5 minutes of walking in. "What the hell was that for?" I asked with a look of surprise on my face."Just getting myself in credit for next week." My Dad grinned,a wish I'd done that grin! Pub life can be so cruel.

The Poacher bought some deep fried crayfish and chilli peppers with a dip of various oils and spices.The chillis were mainly sweet varieties, apart from one! Guess who got THE ONE?

Trigger went red,then green,sweated,eyes watering! We didn't laugh(much)!

Once Trigger had recovered a modicum of composure(if that is possible),he blamed the Poacher for his distress. "It's your own fault Trigger," exclaimed the Poacher,"You ate it!"

Here endeth the lesson. If it's red and comes from the Poachers' kitchen, don't eat it,and if it's battered and comes from the Poachers kitchen,don't eat it.....unless you're Trigger!

Pub news.

I escaped the dreaded bog incarceration today by virtue of stealth and speed! I waited until she was busy then raced hobbled off to the loo! I was back before she new it!

I fear I may not be so lucky tomorrow after the following conversation when I was 3/4's down my pint.

Di,"Are you alright if I go out for a smoke?"

Me,"Yes,no problem."

Di comes back in a few minutes later and says,"Do you want me now?"

Me,"No,thanks, but I'll have a pint!"

Trigger thought this highly amusing."You can sit on my lap if you like."

Di,"UGH,I'd be sick you twat!"

I'll see what tomorrow brings??!

General news!

With acknowledgements to The Daily Telegraph.

WHY THE LIGHTS WILL GO OUT ON BRITAIN!

PLANNED STATION CLOSURES OVER NEXT 10 YEARS

1. DIDCOT A,2000 mw(coal)
2. KINGSNORTH,1940 mw(coal)
3. TILBURY,1428 mw(coal)
4. HINKLEY POINT,1420 mw(nuclear)
5. HARTLEPOOL,1210 mw(nuclear)
6. COCKENZIE,1200 mw(coal)
7. HUNTERSTON B,1190 mw(nuclear)
8. HEYSHAM 1,1150 mw(nuclear)
9. DUNGENESS B,1110 mw(nuclear)
10. FERRYBRIDGE C,1000 mw(coal)
11. IRONBRIDGE B,1000 mw(coal)
12. WYLFA,980 mw(nuclear)
    
    
    
    

EXPENDITURE

£100 billion by 2020 must be spent to replace lost generating capacity and meet regulations for low carbon alternatives.

GAS IMPORTS

2008(50%)

2020(80%)

With acknowledgements to IAN FELL Emiritus Professor of Energy at Newcastle University.

"Nuclear will not be ready,renewables will not be able to cope. Gas is getting politically and geographically dangerous to rely upon. Security of supply must take priority over everything including climate change."

When will the politicians,for,it is they who call the shots realise that these things are a waste of time?

Very,very soon I hope!

Pub news.

THIS IS NOT FUNNY !!

Di, without any provocation from me,(all I said was "Hello.") and 2 hours later she locks me in the bog.....AGAIN!!

Your thoughts please.

Joke Tuesday.

A chicken farmer went to his local pub and sat next to a woman and ordered a glass of champagne. The woman perks up and says,"How about that? I just ordered champagne too!"

"What a coincidence",he says, "This is a special day for me, I'm celebrating!"

"This is a special day for me too,I'm also celebrating",she replies.

"What a coincidence", says the man.

As they clinked glasses the farmer asked,"What are you celebrating?"

"My husband and I have been trying for years to have a child, and today my gynaecologist told me I'm pregnant!"

"What a coincidence", says the man,"I'm a chicken farmer and for years all my hens have been infertile,but today they're finally laying eggs!"

"That's great news", she says,"How did your hens become fertile?"

I used a different cock," he replied.

The woman smiled and said,"What a coincidence!"

Sad news!

R.I.P.

Rick Wright died on Monday, aged 65 following a battle with cancer. He was a founding member of PINK FLOYD, a group that were to captivate me over a 30 year period.

An accomplished musician, Wright was a genius on the keyboards, especially the Hammond organ, Also a prolific song-writer, he was responsible for most of "The Dark Side of the Moon", most notably "The Great Gig in the Sky".

He,along with the other members of PINK FLOYD have dominated my musical trend.

Unfortunately they have come to a premature end.

Long live PINK FLOYD!!

Joke Tuesday.

If you are Politically Correct, piss off!

Bono, the lead singer of the world famous band U2 is also famous for being more than just a little self-righteous.

He is playing a U2 concert in Glasgow, when he asks the audience for total quiet.

Then in the silence, he starts to slowly clap his hands, once every few seconds.

Holding the audience in total silence,he says into the microphone, "Every time I clap my hands, a child in Africa dies."

A voice with a broad Glaswegian accent, near the front pierces the silence...........















"Well,stop f*cking doing it then!!"

Pub news!

Yesterdays fun day went really well. Loads of people turned up, but alas, no photos! Jez said he was just too busy!

Today was absolutely packed. More than usual.!

With acknowledgements.

When I enquired as to why, one of the lads said they'd just had a football match (the pitch is opposite the pub), and after the match went into the clubhouse for a beer only to find they'd run out.

This was an added bonus for the pub, as they spent a good two hours drinking!

In less interesting news, Keith
came in.

Di was floating around dishing food out on the bar.

The Poacher bought a plateful of crayfish in done in a chilli,garlic and ginger sauce. These are the American "Signal" crayfish which have been illegally introduced and are decimating our smaller crayfish, so eating the buggers is helping a bit, LOL!

Pub news!

SATURDAY FUN DAY

Di and Jez are having a family fun day this Saturday,raising money for a charity called LOROS,a charity we, as a family support.

There are all sorts of activities available, including:

A Barbeque, cooked by The Poacher's brother. He's good at these.

Donkey rides! They're probably the horses I picked last weekend!

A disco during the afternoon, then a live band at night!

Stalls selling various things(not sure what yet!)

And finally,a bouncey castle,just so the kids don't go home on full stomachs!

I hope they have a really great day,and makes loads of money!

Can anyone think of some other attractions? Such as Keith in the stocks!

Joke Tuesday.

From my friend, K.B.

Women are evil by nature.

A woman went up to the bar in a quiet rural pub. She gestured alluringly to the barman who approached her immediately.

She seductively signalled that he should bring his face closer to hers. As he did, she gently caressed his beard.

"Are you the manager?" she asked, softly stroking his face with both hands.

"Actually,no," he replied.

"Can you get him for me? I need to speak to him," she said, running her hands beyond his beard and into his hair.

"I'm afraid I can't," breathed the barman..."Is there anything I can do?"

"Yes. I need you to give him a message," she continued, running her forefinger across his lips and slyly popping a couple of fingers into his mouth for him to gently suck on.

"What should I tell him?" he spluttered.

"Tell him," she whispered, "There's no toilet paper, soap, or hand towels in the ladies room!"

Music quiz. Answers!

1. 2112- Rush.
2. Delicate sound of thunder- Pink Floyd.
3. Macalla- Clannad.
4. Going for the one- Yes.
5. Alchemy- Dire Straits.
6. Kick- INXS.
7. Innuendo- Queen.
8. Life through a lens- Robbie Williams.
9. Moonflower- Santana.
10. The song remains the same- Led Zeppelin.
11. Live over Europe- Genesis.
12. Regatta de blanc- The Police.
13. The dream of the blue turtles- Sting.
14. On an island- David Gilmore.
15. Parallel Lines- Blondie

Congratulations to Beccy who got them all right!

Pub news!

Firstly, I'd like to point out the the last posting on MY site was nothing to do with me! It's the grumpy git who comes in for a free Sunday lunch!!

Anyway, now that issue is out of the way, down to the pub news.

Di, our ever-so gorgeous landlady was in the kitchen preparing Keiths' lunch when the ceiling fell in!

One of the lads went on what remained of the roof,brushed the water away and pulled a tarpaulin over the hole.

I got belted because Keith told Di porkies!

This is not acceptable, and I shall deal with this on Tuesday when the old git comes in again!

The Adventures of Captain Grumpy.